i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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