Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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