I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
