i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
