worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
