Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
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