good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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