i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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