im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Small penises have feelings too.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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