I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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