when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
