Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
