College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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