It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
