phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
