Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Sext me about skeletons
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
