Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
