i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
