So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
