Your face is a jimmy john
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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