Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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