omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Boobs speak an international language.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
