dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
