I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
