Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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