Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
