if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
