i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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