bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
