It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
