I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
