bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
