Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
