Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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