We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
