I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
When are your genitals available?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
