I hate your face
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
