She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
