Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
