apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize