When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
