so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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