her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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