Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
