I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
