with your own penis?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Randomize
