can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
