the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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