Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
