while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
