what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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