Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
