my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
