It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
