You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
