I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I love you.
Bad choice
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
