Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
